Biasbuster's take on the Proudian cable rant

Some words have been changed to protect the honest. Read the original to get the flavor of the spoof.

Cable Committee is not a private corporation

When they’re not harassing people they don’t like from town councils, problem-makers Proudian, Tsukroff, and Clark like to satisfy their authoritarian instincts by dictating what you read in print media. The trio are the principal movers behind an effort to show more of them on their newspaper and their blogs.

The Three view the council as intrusive and over-scrutinizing. The Council recently moved to take away the Cable Committee’s ability to sign purchase orders so they can willfully spend money without oversight. Local taxpayers are pleased. The Committee is not. Call it part of this problem-maker trio’s aggressive new No Mud Left Unslung Act.

Let me just say that if it was up to me, GCTV would spend every dollar in Gray. We’d buy for all the guys at the breakfast counter at Cole Farms if we could, given how much fun was made of us there in the last year. The problem is that there aren’t enough people to do it all. With three regular members and two part-time students, the cable committee is severely shorthanded, and we have been saying this for ten years, even when we had 8 people on the committee. It’s our motto. “We’re chronically short-handed, no matter how many people help us.” This shortage was recently made worse, when three councilors intelligently decided not to renew Proudian’s membership. First time such a thing ever happened, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

In any case there is no policy governing which town committee gets a higher budget than others, but it helps to have a direct pipeline to wealthy Time Warner’s franchise fees. We want it all and we want the old council back, who never bugged us. You know that “All programming will be of community interest as determined by the Cable Committee.” So you have us to thank for the endless hours of boring and uncreative and repetitive programming.

In Gray, regular council meetings have always been carried on cable. Public interest prompted the addition of council workshops to the broadcast schedule last fall, after citizen insistence due to the egregious abuses under the previous council went unbroadcast by us (no mean feat).

For myself, I think it’s much more important to scrutinize other committees. In a perfect world, everybody would be scrutinized, of course. But thanks in part to the diligence of three axe-grinding problem-makers, the citizens of Gray are good and sick and tired of their whining. Buy earplugs. While you still can.

-Paul Proudian-esque (Proudian-Clark-Tsukroff, town problem-makers.)